I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
