While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
ok first of all what the fuck
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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