Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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