last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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