Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
