He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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