If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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