Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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