New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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