Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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