just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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