I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
