hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
