uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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