You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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