I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm too high and old for this...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
