i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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