I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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