What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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