My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
