I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
