i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
