Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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