fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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