I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
