i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
