he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
