No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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