I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
