I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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