Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
