Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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