I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Sober January is a disaster.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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