I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
