i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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