In the future we'll all be gay
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
