fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
