In the future we'll all be gay
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
