Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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