I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
we're so committed to being not committed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
