When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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