Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
