I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
