I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
