good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
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Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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