Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
