I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
