he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
