obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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