i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
