i already hear my dad disowning me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
