dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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