Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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