Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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