So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
